Dudes, I'm so desperate right now!

[RightWingConspirator]

I'm constipated as fuck. I sat on the toilet for about a half hour and can't get anything out. I have two lesbians that live above me and one started singing to herself in the shower above me. Even that soothing voice wasn't enough to help me release this massive smelly turd into the wild. What should I do? Should I call a wrecker and get a chain tied to it to pull it out? Buy some laxatives? Make a pot of coffee?